


Before The Good Is Gone

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Children, Drama, F/M, Family, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-02
Updated: 2008-03-02
Packaged: 2019-05-31 03:31:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15110906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: Toby's feelings and reactions that first year alone in New York were similar to Josh's after he was shot in West Virginia.





	Before The Good Is Gone

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

“Hello!”

“Oh, I'm sorry; I was trying to reach Toby Ziegler.”

“You have! Well, I'm not him.” The little girl giggled. “Who’s calling please?”

“Oh um, this is his friend Andi.”

“Hold on. Daddy!”

She sang the song all the way from the living room to Toby’s study. He looked up from his laptop. Tori came over and waved the cell phone in his face.

“Daddy, daddy, telephone.”

“Is this my cell phone?” Toby asked.

Tori nodded.

“Have you had it all this time?” 

Again, a nod.

“I have been looking all over for it.”

“I had it!” she exclaimed.

“Obviously. Why?”

“You let me play the bowling game.”

“OK. This weekend we are going to go out and find you a nice bowling game for the computer. How does that sound?”

“Yay!” the five year old bounced up and down. “Talk on the phone.”

“Yes ma'am. Thank you.” Toby put his phone to his ear as Tori ran from the room. “Hello, I'm sorry.”

“It’s alright. The whole exchange gave me a laugh.”

“I was about five minutes from ordering a new cell phone.” Toby replied, laughing. “Kids, you know.”

“I do know.”

“Who am I talking to?”

“Toby, its Andi.”

“Is it? I didn’t recognize your voice for a moment.” His wall went back up. “What's going on?”

“How are you?” she asked.

“Fine and you?”

“Good. I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I'm in town next week and was wondering if we could get together.”

“Um…”

“I would like to talk to you about some things.”

“Is Molly alright?”

“She's fine.”

“What do you want to talk about?” Toby asked.

“Toby, I…I would really prefer to speak face to face.”

“And you would tell me if Molly was not alright?” he asked again.

“Molly is fine. Would you like to speak to her?”

“No. We talked this afternoon.”

“I spoke with Huck yesterday.” Andi said.

“He told me.”

There was an awkward silence. Actually, the whole damn conversation was awkward. Toby cleared his throat.

“When are you going to be in town?” he asked.

“Next week; Thursday. I don't know what your schedule is like. I can do lunch but dinner is also an option.”

Lunch was out. Toby had two classes, one at 9:30 and the other at 11. That only left him 45 minutes for lunch before his office hours of one to four. Thanksgiving was in two weeks so students were stopping by trying to make sure they were in good standings before the upcoming final exams. Toby was positive that every twenty-minute slot would be filled. Bathroom breaks would be a blessing.

“Lunch that day will be impossible.” He said.

“Dinner then?”

Toby was not sure what to say. He took a deep breath, not quite knowing why he was so apprehensive.

“Alright. I think I can do dinner.”

“Do you still enjoy Home?” she asked.

“Um, yeah. OK then.”

“I will see you on Thursday.”

“Right. Goodnight.”

Toby flipped his cell phone closed and went back to his laptop. He was actually supposed to be writing but World of Warcraft was minimized. After that crazy phone call, his mind was too scrambled to finish what he was doing.

“Daddy!”

Tori was back, running into the room and plopping into her father’s lap.

“What's up, baby baby?”

“I have to go to bed now.”

“Is it that time already?” Toby asked.

“That’s what mommy told me.”

Toby glanced at the clock on his desk.

“Mommy would be correct. Goodnight Tori.”

“Goodnight daddy.” She threw her arms around his neck. “I love you the most.”

“I love you too.”

He covered her face in kisses while she giggled furiously. She sounded exactly like her mother when he covered her in kisses. Toby would have to test that theory when the kids were both asleep. Tori hopped off his lap and ran out of the room. She actually ran everywhere these days. Toby smiled before going back to staring at his computer. 

Andi was coming to town and she wanted to talk. About what, he had no idea. There was pain in the pit of his stomach and a thud creeping around his skull. Opening his side drawer, Toby grabbed a large bottle of Excedrin and poured two pills into his hand. They washed down nicely with his glass of iced tea. He had work to do…now was definitely not the time to let his ex-wife get to him.

Toby agreed to the dinner. While it was not etched in stone, it was just a week away. A busy week away; he would just forget about it for now. There were papers to grade, classes, emails piling up to reply to, and what he hoped was a relatively quiet weekend at home. On Sunday Ellie and Terry Dresden were going shopping and to lunch. Toby and Jason laughed about it at the end of their last session…their spouses were quickly becoming the best of friends.

There would be more dinner parties in the future. The former Communications Director agreed to twice-monthly socialization…he really was more comfortable with his books and computer. Toby liked spending time with his wife, kids, and Annie Westin (who seemed to fit into their blended family quite well).

“Hey Professor.” Ellie tapped on the doorframe before walking into the study. “It’s getting kind of late.”

“Is it? I…” Toby looked at the clock. “Is it really quarter to eleven?”

“Mmm hmm. I thought you might have fallen asleep down here. What are you doing?”

“Nothing. I was uh, I was playing.”

“Well come upstairs and play.” Ellie replied, smiling.

“I'm not sure that I have it in me.” Toby shut down the computer and closed his laptop.

“That’s OK. Come upstairs and let me hold you while you sleep.”

She held out her hands and he took them, pulling himself up from the chair with a groan and a sigh. He had been sitting there for way too long. What had Toby been doing for the nearly three hours since Tori came in to say goodnight…he had little recollection.

“Are you alright, Toby?”

“Sure.”

The couple went upstairs and into the bedroom. Toby closed the door. Ellie was already dressed in pajamas. He just threw off everything except his boxers, sliding under the blanket. Ellie turned off the lights and they relaxed in the dark. Well, Toby was not relaxed at all. After God knows how long, he sighed.

“Ellie belly, are you awake?”

“Yeah. Something is wrong.”

“I'm so tired but I'm tense; can't sleep. Do you think you could, only if you want to, do that thing you do? It makes all the tension go away.”

“What's the matter, honey? Ellie started working her way under the covers. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Nothing, I just…ohhh, that’s it.”

“Does that feel good?”

“Very good.” Toby pushed the covers down more before stroking his wife’s hair. “Mmm, I love how you do that. Oh my God.”

Ellie smiled around his erection. She knew he enjoyed this kind of sex. She certainly had no problem giving him the attention. Toby was close, wrapping his fist around her thick auburn hair.

“Ellie, Ellie, oh dear God!”

Toby came in a rush, his body shuddering, going rigid, and then relaxing in the span of a few minutes. He let out a long breath, pulling Ellie into his arms and kissing her passionately.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They rolled on the bed, Toby quickly getting her out of her pajama pants. She wasn’t wearing panties and he was glad of it. They were both tired, though fired up…Toby was not sure he could rise to another occasion. He knew how to touch her though. He knew exactly what she liked.

“Toby, you don’t have to…” Ellie arched her back and moaned.

“I can stop if you'd like.” He replied.

“Ohhh, don’t do that. Mmm, yeah.”

Ellie had a fierce climax, and then another smaller one, crying out Toby’s name with her release. They were both breathing hard; sleep no longer a problem.

***

The week was a long, busy, and tiring one. Classes kept Toby on his toes. At home, both Tori and Annie had colds. Huck worked on a science project and paper that his stepmother helped him with. Ellie worked late Monday and Tuesday…it was a busy time at the lab. Thursday morning between classes was when Toby remembered he scheduled dinner with his ex-wife later in the evening. He scowled because he forgot to tell Ellie about the event. Making it through his Cold War Policy class, Toby dialed Ellie’s cell phone when he was back in his office with his lunch.

“Hey there.” She answered in a cheery tone.

“Um, hi sweetheart.”

“What's up?”

“I'm going to be late tonight. I have some dinner plans and things have just been so busy. I really didn’t mean to forget to tell you; I'm so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I will be home on time so everything is fine. Who are you having dinner with? Is it work?”

“It’s Andi.”

“Andi who?”

Was she serious? Did she really not know who he was talking about? They rarely discussed his ex so it could have been possible. Toby took a deep breath.

“Andi Wyatt.” He said.

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“Hello? Ellie?”

“You're going to dinner with your ex-wife? When were you going to tell me?”

“I really forgot.”

“You forgot!” she exclaimed. “How the hell could you forget something like that, Toby? That does not make any sense to me. How long have you known?”

“Well, she called about a week ago…”

“A week! You forgot for a week. You know what; I'm not in the mood to be fed bullshit. Enjoy your dinner.”

“Hello? Hello?”

The beep of his phone made it clear that she hung up on him. It was definitely going to be that way. Maybe Toby would do better to call and cancel with Andi. He did not know why she wanted to see him anyway; he definitely was not in the mood for games. Still, despite everything, something inside of him told him that he should go. Toby had no idea why he felt that way but he did. As much as he did not like it, Ellie was already pissed at him. Going home on time would probably do nothing to change that. He needed to eat his lunch and clear his mind for his students.

***

“Hi.” Andi stood as Toby approached the table.

“Hello.”

There was a moment when neither of them knew what to do. Andi pulled him into a quick hug and Toby patted her back. They sat down.

“Glass of Jack Daniels, straight.” He said before the server could even ask.

Andi ordered a glass of the house white wine and looked at her ex-husband.

“I'm glad you agreed to come.”

“What's this about?”

“How are you, Toby?”

“You asked me here to find out how I am. You could have sent an email.”

“When is the last time we had a decent conversation, Pokey? We used to have conversations, even after our marriage broke up.”

“Well, let me see. After you called me sad and said you didn’t want me to make our children that way, I kind of stopped wanting to be around you. Then you allowed me as little time as humanly possible to see my kids. Everything became a fight. You turned into someone I didn’t know and didn’t want to know.”

“You had your moments too.”

“I'm sure.” Toby sipped the drink in front of him. Andi told the server they needed more time. “I used to wonder what happened to us…I just stopped. It was better that way.”

“The White House happened to us.” she replied.

“Oh right; that has to be my fault too.”

“I never said that, Toby.”

“What are you saying?”

“Why are you so defensive?”

“Why?” he laughed. “Andi, c'mon, the past ten years has been a battle royale for us. I am tired, physically and mentally, of this dance. We have two children that we both love very much. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole world. Even knowing what I know now.”

“What do you know now?” Andi asked.

“That our love for them destroyed our love for each other. I’d rather not go down memory lane tonight so if that’s why you called me here then I should just go home.”

“Please.” She reached for his hand, stopping short of touching it. “Let’s just eat. There are some things I want to say and I really need you to listen.”

Toby looked into her eyes. The eyes of the woman he always thought he would love. He nodded slowly and when the server returned, he ordered the shrimp and angel hair pasta in a parmesan cream sauce. Excusing himself, Toby went into the men’s room. He fought the urge to call his wife. Better to get this over with and move on…whatever this was.

“I'm listening.” He said sitting down.

“I'm sorry Toby.”

“For what?”

“Damn near everything. Using you and getting mad when I got exactly what I wanted. Keeping you at arms length with Huck and Molly. Not being a friend when you didn’t think you had one left in the world. Being a bitch about Ellie. I'm sorry for a lot of things. We cannot get those ten years back.”

“No.” he shook his head.

They were both quiet for a while. Andi dabbed under her eyes with her finger but he could not be sure if she was crying. He was sure of nothing with her.

“I want you to be a father to our kids. I want them to love you and be happy. I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.”

“Good.” She smiled. “I don’t want everything to be a battle with us anymore. We are both at great places in our lives and just getting older. I doubt we could ever be friends again but I miss you. I miss that connection; I don’t know. The way that Huck talks about you, that absolute awe. I remember feeling that awe with you. I remember loving that Toby.”

“That was a long time ago…not just ten years. Does Molly talk about me?”

“Sometimes. She spends more time talking about Tori. She likes being a big sister. Still, she is torn between her life in Baltimore and her life in New York. Your daughter loves you very much, even if she is not sure how to tell you.”

“I wish I could see her more.” he said.

“I feel the same way about Huck. I just keep thinking about when they were little and I would come to New York with them for weekends. We had such good times.”

“I remember. That was a long time ago.”

“Yeah.” Andi sighed. “We are never going to be able to salvage what we once had, are we?”

“Never again. We can move on and grow though. I would definitely like to put this time behind us.”

“You are willing to do that?”

“What brought all of this on, Andi?”

The arrival of their dinner kept her from answering. She smiled at the server, thanking him and pouring dressing over her salad.

“I miss you. I miss a lot of things but I miss you Toby. As I said, even after we decided the marriage was not going to work, we still wanted to be friends.”

“You decided more than I did.” Toby mumbled.

Andi did not reply; she ate her salad.

“I really don’t know what else to say, Andi. You want to move on and grow; I think that’s fine. I don’t think we can ever be friends again. Too many things have happened.”

“I know that. I still felt the need to say these things. The Bartlet Presidency left scars on all of you, and the people who loved you. I am not trying to shift blame but so much happened in that time.”

Toby didn’t think any of that had anything to do with what happened between them. Still, he remembered talking to Sam, CJ, and Donna…they all had stories. Insomnia, anger, isolation, tears, even nightmares. They all had symptoms at one time or another that might be construed as PTSD. Toby’s feelings and reactions that first year alone in New York were similar to Josh’s after he was shot in West Virginia. He didn’t know what he would have done if Jason had not come into his life.

“I'm glad you expressed yourself. You're right, too much has happened. It’s a damn shame but I willing to be civil for Huck and Molly.” He looked at his watch. It was after seven and he had to return to Brooklyn. “I really have to go. It’s been such a long week and I just want to go home and relax with my wife.”

“I understand. I'm glad you met me tonight. I probably could have said it all in an email but it didn’t feel right. I was in town; wanted to see you face to face.”

“That was probably better.”

He reached for his wallet but Andi told him to put it away. She invited him so she would pay. This time she did touch his hand.

“Are you sure everything is alright?” Toby asked. “I mean, are you alright Andi?”

“I am happy with Roger and actually considering having this upcoming election be my last.”

“It all has to end eventually.”

“I think it might be time.”

“Good for you Andi, seriously. Keep me informed if you'd like. Tell Molly that dad says hello.”

“Alright.” Andi smiled. “Goodnight Toby.”

“Goodnight.”

The whole ride home on the 6 train, Toby tried to think about how he would repair the rift with Ellie. She hung up on him and when he called back, twice he got voicemail. There was no point in leaving messages…she would only erase them in anger. As he walked from the station to the house, several scenarios played through his head. Most of them involved him avoiding it and sleeping in the study. It was not as if he did not want to fix this. Ellie had never been pissed at him before, at least to his knowledge. He did not know what to expect.

“Hey Toby.” Annie was reading in the living room.

“Hi. How are you feeling?”

“A little better. I hope that it will be gone by the weekend because I have plans. Huck is in your study.”

“OK.”

Toby stuck his head into the room.

“Hey kiddo.”

“Hi dad. Where were you?”

“Actually, I was having dinner with your mom.”

“Mom’s here?” Huck looked up from his notebook.

“Yeah, I don’t know for how long. She wanted to talk to me.”

“Is everything OK?”

“Sure.”

“Dad…”

“No.” Toby shook his head. “Everything is fine. Your mom and I are just trying to communicate better with each other. It’s important that you and your sister see us in a positive relationship. I never want either of you to feel as if you have to pick sides in a civil war. That’s especially important with the current living arrangements.”

“I don’t. I love you both. I just feel more comfortable living here with you and Ellie.”

“We’re happy to have you.” He came in and kissed the top of his son’s head. “Bedtime soon; you have school in the morning.”

“I'm almost done.”

“Alright.”

Toby left; he stood at the bottom of the stairs for a while. He kept glancing at Annie to see if she paid him any mind. She did not. He finally just went up to face the music, kissing Tori before knocking on the closed bedroom door.

“Come in.”

Toby walked in. Ellie hammered away on her laptop and when she saw it was him, she went right back to what she was doing. As he closed the door, he wondered what she was doing. Probably emailing her sister and telling her what an asshole he was. Oh God, maybe she was emailing her mother. He did not need to be on Abbey Bartlet’s bad side. The in-laws were just getting used to him. He sat on the bed.

“El…”

“You can't really think I am speaking to you right now.”

“I did not do this on purpose. I wasn’t keeping anything from you.”

“And you didn’t find time in seven days to tell me about this? I recall us having a lot of conversations.”

“I…there isn’t any excuse. I'm sorry.”

“You should be.”

“You're pissed.”

“Damn right.”

“Why?”

“Toby!”

“What? It was just dinner. Yes, I forgot to tell you and I apologize for that. We did not meet at some sleazy motel for a pinch and tickle. It was a well-lit restaurant. We had a conversation and I came home to my family. I suppose she went home to her husband.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, apparently you do.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what I feel.” Her eyes flashed green when she was angry. “You have no idea.”

“I would like for you to tell me.”

“Leave me alone.”

“OK.” he nodded. “I will just change, grab a pillow, and get out of your way.”

“Good then.” Ellie went back to her computer. Toby sat there for a while, hoped she would come around, but she ignored him. He sighed, getting up and changing into his pajamas. He was on his way out of the room when Ellie stopped him.

“You can sleep in your own bed, Toby.” she said.

“I would honestly rather not. If you are not going to talk to me I do not want to be in here ingesting the poison in the air.”

“So you just walk away?”

“You said you didn’t want me here.”

“No, you said you would get a pillow and get out of my way.”

“Ellie,” Toby clenched his fist and his jaw. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing, as he usually did at times like this. “I don’t want to play mind games. I'm past that stage in my life and I am not going back.”

“You went back tonight. She called and you came. Its always one big mind game with her.”

Toby wanted to say that she hardly knew Andi so she could not really say. She could though, because the past ten months had seen a complete deterioration in the relationship between the former Mr. and Mrs. Ziegler. Ellie witnessed it as well as what it did to him.

“She is the mother of my children.” He reasoned.

A single tear fell down Ellie’s cheek.

“You think I would ever be able to forget that?”

“Sweetheart, don’t cry…please don’t cry.”

He was back on the bed again, taking her into his arms. Ellie tried not to cry but it was a lost battle. Toby just held her close as she berated herself in her head for being reduced to this kind of behavior.

“She is always going to have a piece of you.” She whispered through her sobs.

“But my heart and my soul are yours.”

“If we had a baby…”

“No, no Ellie stop. It would not change that I have children with Andi. Nothing will ever change that. I don’t love her and I haven't for a long time. Do you even know how much I love you?”

“How much?” she pulled out of his embrace and wiped her messy face. Toby helped.

“I love you so much that sometimes I wake in the middle of the night to stare at you and make sure you're really here. I have a picture on my desk; it’s my favorite because I know you were smiling at me when it was taken. I try to come up with ways to make you laugh because I love your laugh. I want to give you everything; I am filled with an inexpressible joy when you are happy. My connection with Andi will never go away and there is nothing we can do about that. It will never change.”

“I would not ask you to change a thing. I am jealous of her, OK? It’s a stupid, irrational emotion but when you are with her, this little part of me feels like you are never coming back.” Ellie wiped fresh tears from her eyes.

“I'm coming back to you no matter where I go. This is my fault, I should have told you. I was really busy but maybe I avoided it because I didn’t want to cause any friction. Sometimes there is going to be friction. I…”

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” Ellie said.

Huck walked in, his smile immediately turning to concern when he saw his stepmother’s tearstained face.

“What's wrong Ellie?”

Toby’s mind flashbacked to being his age. Trying to comfort his mother’s tears and not being sure he could handle the job. Please God, he begged, don’t let my son have to carry my hardships on his tiny little shoulders.

“I'm OK sweetie. But I would be a lot better if my favorite boy in the whole world came and gave me a big hug and kiss.”

Huck came around the bed, throwing himself in her arms. He kissed her warm cheek.

“Straight to bed, Mister. No flashlight reading; you have school in the morning.”

“I promise. Goodnight dad.”

“Goodnight Huck.”

He left and Toby kissed his wife’s cheek. 

“I love you, Eleanor Bartlet-Ziegler.”

“I love you too.”

“I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I never want to do that.”

“You want to make it up to me?”

“More than anything.”

“Ice cream is a good way. We have some butter pecan in the freezer.”

“That’s your favorite.”

“Yeah.” Ellie nodded.

This time he kissed her lips, caressing her face in his hands. Ellie held both of his hands in hers.

“We just survived our first fight.” She said. “Lets not make a habit out of that.”

“Agreed. I will go and get that ice cream.”

“Thank you.”

Ellie smiled as Toby left the room. She was still upset but it was not entirely his fault. Her husband loved her, not his ex-wife. He was downstairs getting her favorite ice cream and he loved her laugh. Yes, he was dumb for not sharing his plans tonight until the last minute. It was not worth causing a war. She made it known that the situation upset her, he apologized, and it was time to let him out of the doghouse. 

“Ta-da!”

“Come to bed.”

Now Toby smiled. He joined her in bed with the bowl and two spoons. They ate their ice cream in silence. Ellie laughed, slipping the last spoonful into Toby’s mouth.

“I really appreciate that I don’t infuriate you enough to leave.” He said.

“Don’t be crazy…I'm never leaving you. You're…”

“I'm what?” Toby glanced over at his wife when she abruptly stopped speaking.

“Nevermind.”

Ellie put the spoon in the empty bowl. She took it from Toby and put it on the nightstand.

“We said once that we would never fill this beautiful thing with I don't knows and neverminds.” He reminded her.

“You are my soul mate.” Ellie spilled it quickly. “I've probably waited my whole life to be with you and I am never, ever leaving. You are my utmost happiness.”

He pulled her into a tight embrace; they stayed that way for some time.

“I hardly deserve contentment on this level.” He whispered in her ear.

“That’s where you are wrong. You deserve it and I am going to give every bit of it to you. Even when we fight, or forget to tell each other things, I'm still going to give it to you.”

Toby kissed her before reaching to turn out the light. In the darkness, they wrapped themselves in the blankets. He held Ellie close to him and no more words needed to be said. Soon his tee shirt was gone…he needed it when he thought he would sleep alone. She kissed his heartbeat, wrapping her arms around his middle. In his arms, feeling security and certainly love, Ellie fell asleep. She was probably exhausted from being angry. 

Toby was up a while longer contemplating ex-wives, soul mates, and decades worth of neverminds. He would not let anyone, or anything, tarnish his happiness with Ellie. Toby Ziegler was happy and it felt fantastic. He loved the noise in a big house that used to be silent. There were people who loved him there; waiting for him to come home. It took many years but he finally had family. Toby needed this to be good for as long as it could be. Kissing Ellie’s forehead, he fell asleep too and thought of ways to keep making it up to her over the coming weekend.

***


End file.
